


I like my coffe like I like myself

by YourKnightOfRage



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Coffee Shops, Humanstuck, I just wanted to make something funny and silly before Diving in to my big project completely, M/M, a lil ooc never killed anybody, borderline crack fic, hear me out, it's a fucking coffee shop Au guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 06:03:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11434680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourKnightOfRage/pseuds/YourKnightOfRage
Summary: He didn't think Karkat would do THAT but damn he did.God, Dave was absolutely crazy for him.





	I like my coffe like I like myself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rogueofpandas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueofpandas/gifts).



> OK SO.
> 
> the beutiful rogueofpandas has this brilliant series going on and it gave me ideas, but then they morphed and other shit and now they're a big project I've started working on, but the rogue is not DirkJake trash and I really wanted to gift them something to celebrate their return to AO3 so I thought: "Hey, why not something silly and funny real quick as I work on the other ting for them?"
> 
> So here it is! I hope you like this, and I know it's pretty trashy, but if I managed to at least make you exhale strongly by the nose in amusement then I'm happy with myself!

Dave and Dirk were the proud employees of a coffee shop.  
Well, more desperately in need for money than proud, but it’s not like that matters now, does it?

The job is alright, occasional angry woman with the ‘Can-I-speak-to-you-manager-please?’ cut aside the clients were chill, regardless if they were one timers or regulars.  
Some people showed up every day at the exact time and Dave had mastered the art of calling out their name with the perfect order as soon as they opened the door.

Others would do the same, but always ask for something new, those were hard to handle, especially when there were a lot of other people in and the poor baristas had to try and make small talk and earn their tips while tending to the needs of other too many damn people.

Then there was Karkat.  
Karkat was one of those regulars that showed up randomly but had only one order, maybe asking for a shot of espresso in it if he was feeling particularly tired.  
Karkat was one of those people that always showed up when Dave was busy, so Dirk had to take his order.  
Karkat was the God damn best looking person Dave had ever seen, and it didn’t matter what the others said about him being average, what the hell did Rose know, anyways?

And then one day had happend:  
It was during the latest hours of night, just before it started turning into morning and there was nobody in, which was reasonable since not even the Striders would be up if they hadn’t been in need of the extra money that only overtime could bring.

Dirk was cleaning the counter and in comes Karkat, his hair a mess that would probably break any comb foolish enough to try and untangle it, his eyes carrying bags that would make Mary Poppins envious and he was wearing the baggiest of baggy clothes.  
Stunning as always.

Dirk extended his arm and smoothly dropped the milk all over the floor.

“Oh wow, how clumsy. I’ll clean up right away.” He said in a monotone voice looking directly at Dave. He was probably trying to get a message across to his brother, but his brain was just screaming ‘KARKAT ALERT! KARKAT ALERT! AAAAAAHH!!’ so it is safe to say that the communication failed.

Dave answered hurriedly “No, dude, I can clean it don’t worry, it’s chill.” He even started to walk around his brother and to the storage room to get the mop, but Dirk stopped him putting a hand on his chest.

“No, Dave. I. Got. This.” He then looked at Karkat.  
“Hey Karkat. Sorry about the setback, I’ll get you your cappuccino in no time. Want a shot in it?”

And that is when it clicked to Dave what his favourite and only brother was trying to do.

“Can you make it double?” Karkat asked crossing his arms on the counter and burying his face in them.

“Sure.” Dirk answered and then he vanished, but before ceased sharing Dave’s plane of existence he gave him one last hand signal which translated to: ‘if you don’t make your move now don’t you ever whine to me about how cute his slight indian accent is, you dumb ass!”

Dirk’s plan was absolutely perfect.  
He’d seen his client look at his brother, pretty much fucking drooling all over the place. Sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder how the fuck had his brother not noticed yet.

Now his brother could finally talk to the other and in no time he’d have a new boyfriend.  
His plan was bulletproof, if not for one small detail: Dave had absolutely no idea what to tell his crush so he just kind of… stared at him, until Karkat turned his head to the side, looking back at him and asked what was he looking at.

So naturally Dave Strider resorted to shitty pickup lines.

“Would you mind if I stared from up close instead of all the way here?” Oh lord that was awful. He needed to get his shit together and step up his game.

Karkat furrowed his eyebrows clearly thinking that he was too tired for this bullshit. “Yes. Why the fuck are you staring at me anyways?”

“well, I was looking for treasure and I think I found it-” But before he could even finish his sentence Karkat’s head shot up and he interrupted the blonde-

“One more word and I will literally punch you so hard you’ll travel back to before this conversation starts, but you’ll be hurting so much that you won’t be able to stop yourself and I’ll punch past you too, avoiding a fucking time paradox.”  
God did Dave like this guy.

The barista laughed a little, stepping closer and resting his arms on the counter too.  
“Come on, dude I was trying to break the ice. I’m Dave, hi.”

“I can read your name tag, idiot.”  
“I mean, my name’s got four letters in it, not five so I guess it’s a good thing that I told you orally.”

There was a beat in which Karkat looked at him incredulously.

“Fuck off.” He said without too much of a bite.  
“Ow, Karkat, you wound me!”

Karkat rolled his eyes while saying: “Good. Now die of blood loss.” When his eyes centered in on Dave again he added: “How do you know my name anyway?”

A merry string of ‘Fuck’ started playing in Dave’s head. He thought that he was doing ok, he had started to feel ecstatic just because he was finally talking to the shorter one, fuck, he’d fucked it all up, hadn’t he?  
Nevertheless, he shrugged and answered, in an extremely fake nonchalant tone: “You’ve been coming in often and I just kinda picked it up?”

Was Karkat blushing? Dave couldn’t really tell.  
Man, fuck his darker complexion that covered what his blood was doing down there, if Dave ever blushed he turned redder than a fucking tomato, but God forbid he got to see if his fucking crush was blushing.

“Like that’s not creepy or anything…”  
“You think that’s creepy? Dirk’s into My Little Pony.” That at least got a smile from Karkat, however the moment was brief and Karkat looked behind him.

“What is taking him so long anyways?”  
Aw fuck, he was probably annoying him. He wasn’t ready to just stop talking to him tho.  
He’d been imagining their first conversation for so long, he couldn’t just let it end yet!

“Dunno, but hey, I work here too you know? I can make your coffee too, baby!”  
“Can you? Are you really that competent? By looking at you I wouldn’t say that you’ve got the brain power to.”  
Dave snorted. It wasn’t that good an insult, he was aware that if anyone else had said that he would’ve had no problem with keeping his neutral face.  
He was turning in a fucking giggling anime girl, wasn’t he?

“Aw, come on cutie, how do you like your coffe?”  
Karkat looked him dead in the eyes, as he answered with a completely serious face and tone.

 

“I like my coffe like I like myself: dark, bitter and too hot for you.”

They stared at each other for a moment. Dave considered his options and then just pushed himself off the counter taking a step back.  
In no time he let the coffee machine go way over the suggested temperature and picked the strongest coffee the shop could offer. The one that only students during finals week could survive if with a lot of sugar and cream.  
He filled the cup almost entirely, leaving just enough of it empty to wrap his middle finger and thumb around the edge and placed it right in front of Karkat.  
The client took the cup and slowly, ever so slowly, he raised it to his lips, staring at Dave with daggers in his eyes, knowing full well what he was getting himself into, way too proud or dumb to back off.

He looked at Dave as he took the first sip. Pure anger in his eyes as he tried to pretend he didn’t have something akin to actual fucking lava in his cup.  
His hands did not shake.

When Dirk walked back in, with new milk in one hand and a mop in the other, he was faced with a cup of coffe on the floor, a Karkat curling in on himself and screaming against his hand and a Dave torn between panic and laughter.

“Was I gone for five minutes at least? What the actual fuck happened?”

Dave looked at him with huge eyes. “I fucked up!” he didn’t even leave Dirk enough time to think before he went and grabbed the milk right from his hands and pushed it in Karkat’s.  
“I am so sorry holly fuck. Drink up, this is cold.”  
Karkat snatched the milk right up, seeming to slowly calm down as he drank.

“I hate you so fucking much,” He told Dave when he put the carton back.  
“Dude, I didn’t make you drink it!”  
“Fuck you.”

Dirk had started mopping the floor by now, most definitely focusing on the task at hand and not the exchange.

“Please don’t sue?”  
Karkat started to walk out, clearly pissed off more than usual, but obviously Dave was not quite done yet and he called after him. “Ok, look. Just give me a second to fix this. Please?” And unsurprisingly, at least to Dirk, Karkat did in fact stop and watched Dave intently.

On his side, Dave quickly put together a spin on an iced chocolate mocha, which essentially consisted in adding chocolate sauce and a few more things to make the thing diabetes inducing.  
All of those being things that Karkat had seemed to enjoy, on the rare occasions in which he asked for something new.

Karkat walked back to the counter and carefully took a sip.  
“It’s good,” he stated over the cup’s rim.  
He took an other sip.

Dave sighed loudly and walked to the storage room, looking about to fucking scream, and what kind of brother would Dirk be if he didn’t follow him? He would decide if he’d rather make fun of his baby brother or comfort him along the way.

By the time the two made it back Karkat was gone, his cup empty but covered with numbers that no Strider had put there.


End file.
